lula_8c

I don't know why I always come here when I'm deppresed, crying and thinking about all the bad things in the world. Maybe because I have no one to talk to.

It's so funny how I went from coming 2 great friends I could go out with and have fun, talk to them, call them whenever I was feeling down, to having just online friends. I just wish they were here :( Or that my online friends, who are great, were here too. But now all I have is a bunch of ppl I used to know. It's funny, most of them I grew up with but still we're like strangers. I guess I missed the years where you really get to know ppl. And when they change.

Now I'm just counting the days 'til I can be free and move. Far away from this place. It sounds so rude and mean, especially to my country, but what, the most important years I didn't spend here. I wish I were still a kid... I wish I had never moved to Chile. Or back here. But shit happens. All the time, and especially to me.

Why is it that I can't do anything right? There's nothing you can say that I'm perfect in. You know how ppl are so friendly and make friends anywhere? Or how someone is so pretty that it's unbelievable? Or a guitar player who can play anything, an actor that takes you to another world, someone that can make money from absolutely anything. But there's nothing for me. I have no talent. Honestly. None.

And ppl say that there are ppl that are worse than me. Like hungry children in Africa, people that are going through war. And yes, they are probably worse than me. But I think they have a desire that I lack. The desire to live. The desire to believe there's a tomorrow. And I certainly don't want it to be tomorrow, or the day after, or whatever day that's left to come. I wish I could go to sleep... and never wake up.

Ok, so I went to school. Yeah, I'm still alive. Still kind of depressed, but heeeey, that's why this place exists! To let everything out... yeah, whatever. So I'm not inspired to write anything. But still, I felt like updating this thingy haha. Well yeah, I don't know what to say. Lalala. Sooo... I didn't tell you about it! Why, why are you looking at me like you're already bored? I haven't even spoken!

Well, I added my ex-crush (but was still my crush at the time, you know) to my MSN list and chatted with him. He's nice and all, quite a bit annoying (too many XD... I mean, WHAT IS SO FUNNY ABOUT IT?!), but he was pretty much better than I had expected. My happiness didn't last long. A few days later, I sent a nice greeting. Oh, suprise, 20 seconds after I sent it, he went offline! And I was like, OMG, he just blocked me! I was instantly depressed. But this time I didn't write a song about it. I wrote THREE. You're all guessing how this is gonna end, right? I saw him online some days later. Lalala. So there.

Sooo... that's my story for today. I would tell you something about school, but yeah, it wasn't really interesting. What did we learn today? Don't complain or cry because of something you believe happened because most of times... it didn't happen ;-) . Cya nest entry, and hope I'm in a good mood then!

It's so sad how come here as my last resource to... let everything out. It's like writing a song, but you don't wonder if it's good, if it rhymes or whatever. You just write whatever is on your mind. Like just because there are too many thoughts haunting your mind, you have to keep them somewhere else. Everyone uses friends, they just tell them everything that's on their mind. The thing is I have no one to talk to. So I have to use somewhere else. Like here.

Tomorrow school starts. You may think (if there is a you) "Oooh typical teenage drama, that wants vacations forever". Well, you're wrong. Deadly wrong. It's much more complicated than that. I want school, a lot. But not this one. If I were in Chile, everything would be just perfect probably. Or... different. In a nice way. In Chile, I hated myself, just like it has been all my life. I mean, why wouldn't a teenage girl with eating disorders and mental problems, with parents that push her to do everything right except what she likes to do, hate herself? Makes perfect sense. The problem here is that I hate myself and all that surrounds me. I feel like I'm not me, for insance. I'm just someone else trapped in this body. I feel like a zombie. I go around sleeping, eating, and doing everything I have to do to continue living but I don't feel anything. Everything I used to have is now gone. I wish so bad I were in Chile. Believe me.

I don't know why, when I talk to someone (or chat) I'm just someone else. It's amazing the good liar I am. No one could ever tell about this war going inside. I'm just a freak. People even think I'm funny. You know how everyone is saying now that I have to try to be better, and that I should try to stop crying and all. Well, I try. I really do. That's why I pretend. But I can't. Sometimes, I'm just talking and I can't wait to go and cry alone in my room so no one can tell. I'm just another happy girl for them.

I believe there's nothing right about me. That if I killed myself in this moment, no one would tell. Except my family that, well, I've been living with them for all my life. But they wouldn't exactly miss me. I'm a pain. And when I'm not a pain, no one notices I'm there. And the worst thing is that I try to be nice. I really do. I just wish that some record label would tell me that they want to record a CD. Or a cute guy tells me he likes me. Or just an old friend would tell me that s/he did indeed miss me. But no one does. It just sucks so bad.

You know the only thing I really love, that is the only thing right in my life? Music. But why, tell me why no one supports me with it. Everyone wants me to have friends. Everyone wants me to have good grades. But you know what? I DON'T CARE ABOUT HAVING FRIENDS RIGHT NOW. I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT MY GRADES. GET OVER IT. Even when I used to care. I used to care about being a good friend to my friends (who I really miss... very bad. But what can I say? They're in another country), I used to care about getting good grades just to see my parents smile, just so they could trust me. But they never did. They never supported me in what I really like. I don't care about acting. So why do they suscribe me to drama classes when all I wanted is to join the school chorus? It's like they're trying to deny what I love. My passion.

Other thing I hate, how they always give me what I want WAY TOO LATE. When I was a kid, I really wanted a microphone. I dreamed of being a famous popstar. All I wanted was a microphone. You know when they gave it to me? When I was 11. 6 years late! God, I think I've used it once. Cuz now, I couldn't care less. Don't get me wrong, it's the thought that counts blah blah blah. But I wanted it then. Not now. And the thing is that, two years ago I was dying to come back to Argentina. I would have given anything to be here. And guess what? Two years later, they go "We're moving to Argentina!". I mean, wtf. I wanted to be in Chile then. Don't go around saying that it's what I want cuz it's not.

Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I cry with no reason, I have suicidal thoughts, god, I even vomit on purpose. Maybe I am crazy. I wish someone would say that I have mental problems (and I really do), so they could lock me in a Mental Problems Clinic and there everyone would be just like me. Cuz I'm not normal. I'm a freak. I really am.

If someone somewhere read this completely, I'm sorry but you just make me happy. Maybe I do have a good friend out there and that is you.

He's back. And suddenly, life is smiling at me. So right now I'm feeling cool. I also feel like I'm kind of growing up with this writing thing. Ok, my lyrics may stay as lame as they've always been but now the music is cool. I wrote a new song. It lasts 5:10 (pretty long). Whatever:

My Medicine

V1:
Walls feel closer to me
I can't breathe
I've been letting a few tears out
But I don't feel any better

V2:
Is it just me but
I can't stand on my feet
After all of this I see
You're my medicine

Prechorus:
In the darkest place on earth
all I long is to see you

Chorus:
You always know how to bring a smile to my face
Whenever I'm feeling down
If my heart is broken, I think of you and darkness is gone
You save me
If there's an empty space, it's filled by you
Cuz you're the only one I want

V3:
Another impossible day for me
I can't live
In the door your shadow I see
You've come to rescue me

V4:
The clouds that used to fill the the sky
Now are gone and I can see the sun
After all of this I see
You're my medicine

Repeat Prechorus
Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
You're like an angel that keeps tears away
and nightmares somewhere else
I don't know what would I do
If you weren't right here with me

Repeat Prechorus
Repeat Chorus 2x

Today I felt really sick at school. Luckily, I feel ok now. This week was test week. That means, we have tests everyday. Finally it's over!! I was getting so tired of studying.
You know, lately, I've been really into Airline Tycoon. Do you know that game? It rocks! You know, you've got to start an airline and stuff. It's neat. If you don't have it, buy it. You won't regret it.
Oh yeah. I wrote a song. I'm gonna record it soon cuz the tune is much better than the lyrics. Here it comes!:

I'll Think Of You

V1:
Will it remain a memory
Somewhere in our minds
Will it change sometime
Like it could've been
Am I just a thought to you
Don't you know I've always felt true to you
Will it turn into something more than this
It's always been our dream

Chorus:
The rain will fall down
and I'll think of you
I cannot help it
I'm already missing you
The rain will fall down
And I can't help it
I can't stop you from leaving

V2:
Will it fade or will it stay
Everything seems yesterday
Will I cry or will I say goodbye
Just something I have to leave behind
Am I anything for you
Will it hurt if I leave for something more
Will you seek or will you forget
Who cares... anyway

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Now all the chances seem so far away
Now all the lies are somewhere else
Now all the thoughts are somewhere I can't reach
But I know I'll think of you everywhere I stay

Repeat Chorus 2x

I'm feeling depressed now. You know when suddenly and absolutely outta no where you feel down? I have no reason at all to be feeling down. I'm having one of those days I think it sucks to be me. Oh maybe it does. Anyway. I wrote a song about it. It sucks (like me hahahaha good joke, right? no?). Here it comes:

Step Ahead

V1:
Finally home after being in hell all day
Back to where I can feel miserable without anyone telling me what to do
Cuz it isn't doing me any good, they say
But they don't know what it feels to be me, I'll do what I feel I should do

Prechorus1:
Trying to heal, I fall into my bed, squeezing my pillow too tight
Should I try to guess what's right

Chorus:
Today's the day I'm gonna cry for no reason at all
Just to get out all the pain, digging for a place inside of me
I'm not gonna listen to what they say to make me fall
Cuz they don't know what it feels like to be in my skin
Today I'm gonna scream out loud, no matter what they think
They don't mean anything to me

V2:
Finally can feel all depressed by myself
It's no use ripping my heart out to give it to someone who'll not care about me
Should I use an excuse or try to faint
Why not better runaway to a better place where they're not spoiling my creativity

Prechorus2:
Trying to breathe, I try to escape, but there's no door leading into some other place
Should I leave without a trace?

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
I feel so miserable in my own skin
Do I look pale to you, do I look dead?
I'm dying inside, I can't find air in this place
Or is it hurting myself on purpose a sin?
What do you know about me
Maybe it's easier to run, but I'm gonna face
I'm gonna break every part of me into pieces
I'll be falling apart, will it be a cold hand that's gonna catch me in the middle
I'll take a step forward and I'll be a step ahead from myself

Repeat Chorus 2x

Yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaahhh!! We won the contest! Which incluides, uhm, everything. Haha. Yeah, take that!! We never really though we were gonna win... I mean... It seemed like we weren't winning at anything. But yeah, we did! Great, now I can bother my bro (he's in a different alliance)

Ps: And in case you were wondering, no, my crush didn't come today either :(

We won! Yeaaaaaaaaaaah, we won the Choreography contest! (or Dancing, whatever). Tomorrow we'll have to show it to the whole school. But I'm sad about it. Cuz you know what? MY CRUSH HASN'T BEEN COMING! And I didn't exactly participate on that contest to have NO ONE INTERESTING WATCHING ME WIN!!! Argh. Yeah, whatever. But still, I'm happy. I'm happy cuz we won! Yipiyeeeeeeey!

Heeeeeeey. It has been a long time since I last made an update. Here and in my site. Hmmm can't find anything to add... But this si my livejournal so I always have to have something to add. Yesterday I went to the shopping mall with 2 of my best friends. One of them was increidibly annoying (maybe cuz she hadn't had much sleep: we had a sleep over with some other friends the day before). Well, the thing is that I had to look for a yellow t-shirt (for the School Week, remember?) and I couldn't find any! Cuz, you know, cute t-shirts come in cute colors and yellow is definetely not a cute color. I mean, for clothes. Don't get me wrong, sometimes there are some really cute yellow t-shirts. Well, not this time. After almost 4 hours of looking and looking, I finally found one. Not really pretty, but at least it was cheap. And yellow. Yep.

And that's my story for today. I'm really tired after the yellow t-shirt thing. *yawn* Cya soon.

Guess who's in the femenine soccer team for School Week. Yeah, you guessed. Me!!! I mean, me?! I suck really bad at soccer. But when I say it, I mean it. Really. I'm soooo crazy right now. I guess I just wanted to participate in something this time, unlike the past 2 years. I did absolutely nothing in 6th Grade. NOTHING. I just sit and stared and let me tell you, it wasn't really fun. Last year (7th grade) I only participated in the Singing Contest which sucked. I even didn't go one day of the week. So this time it's gonna be different. I'm already participating in Choreography (which is going really well) and Femenine soccer. Man, this week it's gonna be really weird.

Heeeelloooooo there! What's up? I'm gonna keep it short. Cuz I'm mad. But I don't know. I think like... it's time for a change. Yeah. So... I wrote a song to let the anger go away. You can figure out what it is about, I guess, by reading it. I'm mad. Leave me alone.

Invisible

V1:
Of all the choices you had, all of the options there were
You had to choose the only one that was gonna hurt me
You act all innocent, you even call yourself my friend
What, did you expect me not to care about him?

Chorus1:
I hate the way it always happens again
Now jealously is getting all over me
How could you forget about what I say? (all the time)
I may say that it's ok, but how could it be
Am I just invisible to you or what?

V2:
Of all the things I told you, you still had to see through me
How could you forget about me and what I feel
I try to be so obvious to let you know but you cannot see
What, did you think I was gonna leave it all like this?

Chorus2:
I hate the way you act like it were alright
I can't control myself, how could I
I can't help being angry cuz I'm not fine (about it)
Can't you guess I'm acting but inside I cry
Am I just invisible to you or what?

Bridge:
I never thought that at one point, this was gonna happen
How could you not remember me, you're supposed to know me
Guess at the end it is my fault cuz I took him for granted
But what are friends for then, you are not my friend
So confusing cuz I shouldn't be feeling this way anyway
But you should know me, don't you notice when I talk about him
Now it's different, I'm not this girl anymore, she's away
Isn't that what friends are for, to open each other's eyes

Chorus3:
I hate the way I can't control my feelings
I've tried to be strong but I can't do it
It's true you should've known better this
Guess it was obvious it was gonna end like this

Repeat Chorus3
Am I just invisible to everyone?
Am I invisible?

Ending:
Now they've traded me for someone new, I don't know
I wanna believe it's not your fault, yeah yeah
Cuz maybe it's mine, I should've let my feelings show
Guess at the end, you're not a bad friend at all
I couldn't help it... Maybe you couldn't help it either

Hello there. After my last entry, anything could be weirder. So I'm gonna stick to that teory by now.

I went to school today. My crush didn't go. Oh well, whatever. It was a nice day though. I mean, for being a school day. You know, the next week is going to be the "School Week". You must be all thinking, what the heck is School Week? The whole school divides into 4 colors: Yellow (that would be me), Green, Blue and Red. Last year I was red. Yeah, back to what I was saying. We have to play some games and do some activities. This activities give you points if you win and the alience (sp?) that has more points wins. Last year I participated in the Singing Contest. Oh my, that sucked. But really bad! And the worst thing: my crush was there. Yeeeeeeep. So yeah. This year I'm gonna participate in the Choreography. It's gonna rock, really. Then I'll let you know if we win or something. (In case you were wondering, no, I didn't win the singing contest but the Red alience DID win the contest in general).

Sorry for boring you. Again. Oh well. Here's a song I wrote today. I'm not really into it but hey, how am I supposed to fill the space here?

Tomorrow

V1:
I'm not ready now and I won't be tomorrow
It's no use to worry about what's yesterday
Where did go the days when it didn't matter
Now was everything, just living today

Prechorus1:
Let's forget about it not being right
I know you could be the one I need

Chorus:
There's not much time for me to see
Though I know tomorror everything may end
I'm scared you won't like me or will hate me
But I know the following day may be too late

V2:
It's now here and won't go away tomorrow
Don't wanna wake up one day and see today's so far away
I don't wanna believe that if I leave, to you it won't matter
Shouldn't I leave a hole in your heart?

Prechorus2:
Let's forget about what has happened
You could be the perfect one for me

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Time is going away so easily and fast
Don't wanna look back into my past
And regret anything I could've done
I wouldn't forgive myself if I've gone
Without saying nothing, I wouldn't
I wouldn't stop wondering cuz I couldn't
I couldn't leave it like that
What if things would have worked between us?

Repeat Chorus 2x

I had written this really huge text you know. And outta nowhere, it all went away. I hate myself. I'm feeling tired and weird right now. I'm going to write what I remember:

So... Today I didn't go to school. And I'm trying to make this day, I don't know, useful for me. Like... doing some exercise or something. By now, you must think I'm like obsessed with exercise, diets and weight and all that stuff. But hey, you know what? I'm considered a normal size in USA. You know, there everyone who's a size larger than 12 or 14 is considered big. Yeah. I know. What's wrong with them? But whatever. The thing is, being a normal size (size 10 or 12, depends on which store) in such a... I don't know, small society (lol) brings my autoestheem (sp?) up. Did you know I once started crying cuz my waist measurement was too big. I know. But, I mean, 70! Knowing me, it's normal I have cried for that. Now it is 67, FYI ;-) . I believe I made a huge process with that, you know, when I was a little kid, I was Shamu. Honestly, I was Shamu! But now I guess I'm... normal. I'm definetely not skinny, but I'm also not fat. Ok, maybe a little ;-). But I'm proud to not be Shamu anymore. Hehe.

I know! Maybe I could continue that book I'm writing. Yeah. That would be cool. But I have nothing to write about. I have been writing that book since like... forever or something. Maybe I started at the beggining of the year. I can't even remember, that was too long ago. I'm like in chapter 7 or something. And the story has just begun. I mean, I can't even remember what the story was about. I mean, it has like no... plot... Hey, maybe I can finish it this summer vacations! (but didn't I say the same thing just about winter vacations that've already passed...?)

You know what I've figured out? I'm stupid. And boring. But most of all, weird. Yeah. Reaaaaaaaaaaaalllyy weird. You must have noticed after this. Anyway.

You know why I'm writing this? Cuz, probably, no one will ever read it. I mean, maybe 2 or 3 ppl that will stop in the middle cuz they got bored. It's like, to let the anger, sadness, worries, weirdness and all that stuff go away. It's a good way, this one. Try it. You're gonna feel sooo much better. Just don't blame me later if there are lots of ppl that wanna kill you cuz you took 5 minutes of their life away from them by reading this. Oh yeah, whatever, back to what I was talking about. I'll stop boring you. If you are still reading, that is. Cya next entry (yeah, I know, it's scary that there is gonna be a next entry). Byeee!

Heeeeeeeeeey ppl! This is my first entry in my Journal... So yeah. Today I ate a salad. Actually, it was really good. One of those Caesar Salads. I love them. I wanna start a diet but I don't believe I'm gonna last hehe.
So................. I'm happy. I'm happy cuz tomorrow I won't go to school! yey =) . To fill this space I'll post a song I wrote today. It kind of sucks but whatever:

Thankful To Have You

V1:
I’ve tried so many times to runaway
Try to push my feelings aside for once
But then it’s you the one that keeps me from finding my way
And I don’t wanna find it, I’m alright

Prechorus1:
With you I cry, I die but I know I’ll feel alive
Now I’m getting a wake up call from reality
But I don’t wanna pick up cuz I’m fine
I know it’ll feel right if you stay next to me

Chorus1:
I see something in you
I believe I can believe in you
I don’t know you but I trust you
I know you’re there, somewhere waiting for me

V2:
I’ve heard so many times your pray
But I don’t need you to pray for me
I’ll be fine as long as you’re here, stopping me from getting away
I’m fine as I am, I really am

Prechorus2:
With you I try, I cry but I know you’ll be with me
Now you’re here to catch me whenever I fall
But if it’s meant to, let me fall cuz maybe I’ll see
And I’ll be thankful to have you with me

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:
Life’s a long passage with no end
And I want you to come with me through this road
The future’s coming but I wanna live today
Cuz I see you next to me, I feel you so close
Now I’m writing my neverending story
So you never have to leave me, we can be here forever
Aren’t you gonna tell me now you’re sorry?
I’m gonna forgive you, cuz you’re the only one that’ll stay by my side

Repeat Chorus1

Chorus2:
Finally I found you
The one who’ll pull me through
What fills the space within is you
I know you’ll be there, just cuz I want you to

V3:
It’s been too long living your way
Now I’m falling apart in front of you
But in this moment I see you putting me together again
What would I do without you in my life?

--------------------------------

Later guys.